she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
