Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
