can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
