My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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