rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
