yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
