tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
