Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
