I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
