Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
