She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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