i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
