So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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