i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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