...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
