he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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