Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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