Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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