I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
