I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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