I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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