Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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