How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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