You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
