bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
