I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
pop tarts are not kleenex
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Randomize
