I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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