i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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