her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
