And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
