oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
