Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Houston, we have a squirter
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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