i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
