My first STD was from a foam party
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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