dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
