I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
