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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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