get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
