Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
