i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
