Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
