Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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