My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
