told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
