She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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