what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
