the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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