I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
