I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she looked like the before picture.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
