We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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