I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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