I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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