she woke up with a sticky ear
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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