I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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