so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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